I'm Not Moving Anytime Soon

I stayed up until 2:17am on the eve of Mother's Day trying to finish up The Package Deal. I was close enough, or so I thought, to the end, and I thought, "What the hell.... I get to sleep in tomorrow for Mother's Day, so I might as well stay up late to read."

Wrong decision. It's not that the book was bad and that's what made it a bad decision. On the contrary, it was a great read. Why, you ask, was it a bad choice to stay awake way past my bedtime reading? Well, the cute little two year old in my house decided that she was going to wake up early, which would not have been such a biggie because Papa would take care of her. But she also decided to be really cranky and cry until 10:00am. So, I slept for five minutes, woke up for twenty. Slept for five, woke up for ten.... you get it. Not much sleeping in on MY DAY!

Oh well. This is how the story goes if there are little kids around. Gotta prepare for the unexpected, right?

While reading Izzy's book, I had lots on my mind. You see, I have a ten year old son from a previous marriage, and he now has a stepmom of his own. So reading a book about a single woman shedding her single woman skin and growing into her role as full-time mama made me think of the other woman in my son's life- his stepmother. We have a fairly decent relationship with each other- no fighting or jealousy that is typically so common between two women sharing kids. My son's stepmom already had two kids of her own, so it was probably much easier for her to transition to being a stepmom. And she did a good job of not taking over the roll of mother. Somehow we just made it all ok.

Izzy, she didn't have kids of her own. Now, some of you may argue that she became a stepmom to two older kids- like somehow that's easier than inheriting a toddler or a baby. I tend to disagree. While little kids are ton of work, taking two older kids who already know what's going on seems to me like it might be a bit tougher to handle, especially on an emotional level for all who are involved. Less physical work with younger kids, more mental work with older ones. Those older boys have been around the block once or twice. There's no fooling them like you could with a little toddler or baby.

A couple of things that really made me appreciate reading The Package Deal:

1. I am happy that all four of my son's parents live in the same area. Oh, how I've wanted many times to pack up and move. Anywhere, really. In my soul, I'm a wanderer looking for new adventures and new ways to live life. And now that I am married to a German and have an opportunity to live in Europe again, it's very hard to stay put sometimes. The things I could do in Europe! Ah, the places to go and people to meet! But what would moving away do to my son, whose father would stay in Texas (because he LOVES Texas and would never be happy anywhere else)? It'd be horrible on him. He'd likely have to choose which parent to spend the majority of his time with, and there's no way in hell I'd let him go. Off to court we'd surely go.

So, thanks to the story, I know for sure that I will be in Texas for another 7 years. Bummer that for my wandering soul, but happy to know that my child will have one less thing to hold against me when he's older. A small sacrifice to make to raise my child.

And number 2: Where was the biomom in all of this? In the book, they (the four parents) agreed to move in a pack, more or less. If one parent got a job offer that was a better opportunity for their career, they'd all pack up and move together to make the raising of the kids easier. Well, this didn't work out and the real mom ended up staying in California. The two kids moved with the dad (and the writer of this book) to Austin. They ended up staying with them in Austin for months, apparently not seeing the real mom. And then, when Izzy had a chance to sit with the biomom to ask if she was indeed still planning on moving to Austin,(to raise HER KIDS), she was very aloof about it all and actually said something like, "Let me know if you want me to take them back."

What the fuck? Izzy Rose did a very good job not talking bad about the biomom because I instantly judged her from that comment. I'm human. What can I say?
What kind of mother would just let her kids go so easily? It made me incredibly judgemental of the biomom and very impressed with Izzy for standing in as she did to take care of these kids. Sure, I don't know the other side or the extenuating circumstances... blah blah blah... I just wanted to judge her alright. Luckily, for those boys, Izzy somehow knew the bottom line was to take care of these two kids who happened to be born from another. How cool is that?

And, it would appear that biomom has kids from her new marriage (as do I). It made me realize the importance of blending the families so the kids from the new marriages don't feel less special. It's a tough thing to do, especially if there's a huge age difference between the kids. But, I think after reading this, I will make an extra effort to make sure my son knows that he's just as special as the "new" kid in the house! I could never replace him with another.

She cracked me up talking about how she didn't want the dirt from the kids in her house and on her furniture. And let me tell you, she's not alone in that thinking. Birth mothers feel the same way! I can't tell you how many times I look at all of the sweaty, dirty kids with their freakin feet on my sofa and have a little attack of he sight of it. Gross!

Long story short, it was a good book. I talked with another lady who was reading it and said she was offended within the first 14 pages. I thought that was interesting- not the type of book I would think anyone could find offensive, so I'm wondering what you think about it. Have you read it? Did you delight in Izzy's accomplishments as a single woman who turned into super stepmom to two older boys? Did you find her offensive?

Laughing Out Loud

I finished reading In Transit yesterday. I have to say that I was a little disappointed; the book just wasn't as heavy as I thought it would be. I'll admit that the character, Bryan, had some issues. He was a big fan of sadomasochism, slept with many women- prostitutes, transvestites and all- without having much of a need to develop a true tie to anyone. For some reason, I think I was expecting much worse. Maybe I'm just one fucked up woman for thinking that the content wasn't as dicey as I thought it could have been. But writing about a sexually abused character is tough. I should know. I'm stalled out and the character in my book is me!

Some thoughts that I had when reading this book: Do all survivors of childhood sexual abuse grow up to never outgrow their issues? What's the success rate of a survivor growing up to not become an alcoholic, drug addict, loner, sex abuser or all out psycho? What can change in our society to make these many masses of people who were or are being abused heal to go on to lead a happy, successful life? I think that was the heaviest thing about this book for me.

In the book, they tried to figure out what happened to the character when he was young. He had memories of the abuse, but they weren't very clear. Most of the people that knew the people involved kept their mouths shut, as they didn't want to have anything to do with it. I fear that this is how the majority of our society is. And how exactly can someone heal from their past if everyone who may be able to help claims to not remember any details. Yes, that part of the book pissed me off.

I also felt a little disappointed that I couldn't get more into the character's head. I wasn't clear on all of the details of his abuse, nor did I really feel any empathy for him because he was so distant. Which, I'm assuming that's how the author intended the reader to feel about him?

Overall, the writing was good. The story was easy to follow, although it was lacking some of the punch that I thought it would have. Would I recommend it? I certainly would if it was a beginner book for someone reading about sexual abuse. It was sad, but not in a rip your heart out and make you vomit kind of way.

What am I reading now, you ask? The Package Deal: My (not-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom is my newest book. It was written by Izzy Rose, another local Austin author. She is the creator of StepMothersMilk.com- a website that offers support to stepmoms around the world.


I started to read this book before I was finished with In Transit because I am going to Izzy's Book Launch Party at BookPeople on Friday night (If you live in Austin, head down there at 7:00pm... there will be cupcakes from Hey Cupcake and cocktails!!). I wanted to be able to talk with her about it and ask questions, should there be an opportunity. I love it so far. I'm about a quarter of the way into the book and it's actually making me laugh out loud! Huh, I almost never laugh out loud when I'm reading. That's actually a pet peeve of mine, come to think of it. I can't stand when someone is reading next to me and they start laughing. It's like I'm expected to ask why they are laughing and get into the book with them. I don't like that kind of pressure.

Anyway, this book is a must read, even if you are not a stepmom, mom or woman. She's a great storyteller with an awesome sense of humor. Makes me want to go out for cocktails with her so that we can laugh out loud.

I Thought I Could

I really thought that I could get away with only posting about books that I find in thrift stores on this here blog. I convinced myself that I could spend most of my time reading said thrift store books (because I have so many of 'em). Instead, what I've found is that more books seem to find their way into my life through other means. Then, I have to read those books and neglect the ones that I find at the thrift stores. Such a sad story, but true.

The thrift store books have been left alone, sitting on top of shelves or armoires, waiting for their turn in my life. This fact, dear readers, contributes to the lack of postings recently.

Yes, I've still been reading. Straight Up and Dirty, by Stephanie Klein because it was chosen by other members in my book club. And we got to sit and chat it up with the author, as she lives in Austin and was kind enough to meet us at a little not-so-good but fancy looking bistro here in Austin.

I've put aside La Batarde because I had to hurry up and read Straight Up and Dirty. I have to admit that I miss Miss. Leduc from La Batarde. I keep thinking of her and want more. At last, I thought I could pick it back up and continue where I left off. Wrong. Foiled again!

Yesterday, I met a very interesting (and I use interesting in the true sense of the word, not the interesting bad kind of way) local author who had a couple of books that she was promoting at the Maifest at the German-Texas Heritage Society. Her name is Ute Carson. She wrote a book called In Transit, which is about a sexually abused boy whose mother just died and he goes in transit to make his way through a relationship with a woman called Blanca. I just started to read it and so that's really all I can offer up at this moment.

Writing a book on my own childhood sexual abuse, I simply couldn't pass this one up. I've been pondering this whole sexual abuse issue over and over in my mind lately. Partly because it's an issue that is always on my mind- it lives in me and will never go away, no matter how much I heal. And, it's also because I'm working out the details in my mind about how I can present my story to others. And I wonder: Is it too heavy of a subject to write about? Will people even want to read something that weighs so heavily on them? Should I write it as a fictional piece rather than an autobiographical one? Should I even care about what others will like and just write it as therapy for myself? Ah, my mind never shuts down, people.

I sat and listened to the remarks that people were making yesterday about the subject of In Transit. One older man, after hearing the description from another, made a comment that it's just not something for him. Another younger woman glazed over when it was being described to her. Me, I will share my tale of abuse with anyone who wants to hear it. I'll also gladly listen when someone needs to talk. It's a heavy subject, but that's probably one of the reasons why there are so many cases of child abuse. If only more people could learn to listen, to talk, things could then begin to change. It wouldn't be swept under the rug and not talked about. Yesterday opened up a whole new perspective for me.

Now, readers, do you see why I have to share what I think and feel about this new book that made its way into my life? Are you willing to listen with an open heart and open mind about a story of a sexually abused man trying to figure out where he stands in life?

I realize that keeping an open mind is sometimes better than sticking to our guns.

A Mood Lifter

Funny how an action like reading a book can make me feel excited again. Yes, it's strange that finishing a book and finding another that connects you in the same way can begin to lift the veil of numbness that has settled on me over the past few years.

Sometimes in life we get a little down and out. And that's alright. The important thing about these ups and downs is that we come back out on top. For some people, it takes medication. For me, the revitalisation comes from connecting with a dead writer. Yes, leave it to me to find a strange way to come out of a little depression.

As a child who spent many years being sexually abused, it's taken its toll on my life in many areas, which I won't go into details about- at least not today. The truth of the matter is that words can be a great therapy. And this is what I'm learning from Violette Leduc's writing. I've found some excitement again in what I'm reading. I've found some inspiration in the words that she's written. Finally a sense of who I am comes back.

See what a little reading can do for your life. Who needs prozac?

Want some of what I've got? Pick up a copy of La Batarde and throw away that bottle of pills in your medicine chest.

I Finshed It

I finished reading Violette's Embrace. I was sad to end it. It was perhaps one of my favorite books ever. I related so well to the characters in the book and I felt like it was just too good to end. I wanted to snoop around more and find out if Lili dies or if she and Michele stay in contact. Of course, Violette dies and then that's the end of the book. I'm not spoiling it by telling you that, because you know that she's already dead in the beginning. Read this quote from the book and then tell me you don't want to run right out to buy a copy for yourself:

I flew to Paris to find a dead writer. On the airplane, in the bag on my
lap, I carried a lilac-colored copy of La Batard. It was tattered and
underlined, with red paper wrappings from chopsticks marking the pages. Many
years ago, I found this used copy in an old bookstore on Broadway in New
York. The writer, Violette Leduc, wrote on an edge that reminded me of
myself. I bought it for a dollar and devoured it forever.

Towards the end of the book, when they were talking about her death, I almost felt as if I were there. And for a woman who had almost no family, she was dearly loved by many friends and did a great job of surrounding herself by people who truly loved her for who she was. Yes, I was teary eyed.

I wanted to know more about the author as well as the other characters in the book. This book not only gives you a glimpse into the story and life of Violette Leduc, it also gives you an idea of who Michele Zackheim, the author of the book, is. So what did I do? I went online and bought all of her books! I found them on Abe Books and only spent $20 for two of her books and two books by Violette Leduc. I really don't know when I will find the time to read all of these. I only wish that I could be paid for reading. Yup, that is my dream job, people.

Haven't been to any thrift stores lately. From the amount of books that I've purchased online, I think I will find a way to stay busy reading what I already have. Almost finished with Stolen Innocence- a book that I'm reading with my book club. The book club meeting is tomorrow night... very anxious to hear what all of the other ladies think about the FLDS religion! My opinion- I can't believe people are so naive to believe everything that they are fed. But, I digress. That's an entirely different post for another day.

So, I will post later to tell you which thrift store book is next on the list. I'm thinking it's going to be a book called What I Loved. Again, gonna have to go with picking it because of the cover on this one. The front looks like this....



The back cover has a picture of a chair that I want. I wish I could find a copy of the back cover for you, but that would just take up way too much of my time. I leave you now to seek out a copy for yourself. Read it with me, if you dare.

Speaking to my soul

The new book I'm reading is speaking directly to me. It's feeding my soul in a way that only certain things in life can. I know it's been a good long time since I've posted something. Although I've been incredibly busy, I've still found some time to read. It's my escape. I wouldn't give up that. What I did give up over the past month, to make time for all of the other tasks that had to be done, was exercise. Go figure.

I'm reading Violette's Embrace- a story that weaves together the lives of three different women. One is dead, one is very old and getting ready to die, the other is younger and on a quest to find out more details about Violette Leduc's unfortunate life.

Now, when I say unfortunate, it was a very unfortunate life. Violette came from a family that didn't really love her (other than her Grandmother) and was apparently not very good looking, with a big nose and a long, wiry body. She happens to write some of the author's favorite books, so she goes to Paris in search of learning more about Violette.

There have been many others who have gone on this same quest for hidden knowledge, but for some reason, this particular author is different and actually develops a one on one relationship with Lili, one of Violette's best friends. This relationship blossoms into a friendship, and we soon learn about all three of the women's lives- past and present.

Why does this book speak to my soul? Well, it's because that's what I would do if I could. Do you know, dear reader, how I long to walk the different paths of Virginia Woolf? Do you know that I am very nosy and would like nothing more than to sit and read personal letters of long lost dead people to piece together a private glimpse of their life? That's precisely what the author is doing and on top of it all, she gets to go to Paris to do her research. Lucky woman.

I will have to quote some paragraphs from the book to give you a feel for it, but for now, I need to shower and pick up the little toddler from school.

And on a quick side note, went to Salvation Army last week in search of new books. Nothing. Nada. Selection sucked and totally hasn't been replenished since my last shopping spree. But, I did find out that next Saturday, they are having a customer appreciation sale and will be dishining out free stuff. Next Saturday, Salvation Army on Louis Henna Blvd. in Round Rock. Be there.

Just Finished

Not ten minutes ago, I finished The Physics of Sunset. I really enjoyed the book, and let me tell you, it had some crazy, totally unexpected sex details. Won't ruin the story by telling you who is having sex in the book, just in case you plan on reading it. Trust me, it's a very good read!
Immediately after completing the book, I pulled over the laptop and looked up the author. You can always tell if it's really a good book by how curious you are about the author. She has another book called Failure to Zigzag.... anyone read it yet? And another title that caught my eye- yes, possibly because it had the word sex in it, and after reading this last one, I'm even more curious to see what she's got in store for us.
I did my Ebay scan and couldn't A Pocket History of Sex in the Twentieth Century: A Memoir. However, I did find a copy on another used book site, but it turns out that it's an advanced reader copy- which I hate. The release date is March of 2009. So not too long of a wait. Definetely going to splurge and buy it.
Lesson in all of this thrift store book buying is that you may end up spending more money on books if you happen to like the author. How lucky would I have to be to find the other two in a thrift store? Very lucky, I'd say.
On a side note, I went to the Antique Mall today to look for a mirror to hang in the bathroom of our old house that we are renovating in hopes of selling(quickly, I might add). While there, I decided to check out the St. Vincent de Paul thrift store. Their book selection was just sad. Not a whole lot to pick from. But, I did find a copy of edible Austin (the fall 2008 edition) and a build your own play set instruction manual of sorts. Thought it was well worth the .25 for each. I'm sure my husband will be pleased when I tell him that he gets to build a playset!
Now, off to start another book!